I think im going to throw up on grandma
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
