Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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