Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
