Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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