im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
