Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My bed smells like the plague
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
