im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
