Can Purell be used as lube?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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