I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
