Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize