I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
