Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
