while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
