yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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