my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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