I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
