I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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