I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
sex in a hospital.. check
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm always down for nudity.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
