shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
