I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
