so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
