I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
