Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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