Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
