Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
