I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
