Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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