I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
