before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
