How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
