Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
be right there i have to get my cape
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
