i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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