Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
