I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
