I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
