he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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