I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
