i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
