the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
