I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
