Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
