how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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