new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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