do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
