I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
