All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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