Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
