I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
