I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
