You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm like, not good at living.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
