"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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