My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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