I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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