I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Drunk is not a location!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
