Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
