went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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