His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
