So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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