Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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