Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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