Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
