you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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