I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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